“The biggest shift in a relationship comes when both focus on healing wounds and start understanding how trauma/old hurt is impacting their actions. When both expand their self-awareness the union is rejuvenated, the projections decrease and they can see each other with new clarity.” –Yung Pueblo
If you are searching for perfection in a partner, I promise, you will only be letting yourself down. It is a concept that does not exist. When I met my boyfriend, Rizmoni, I had finally given up the illusion of what a perfect partner should be. I spent months manifesting who I wanted–writing love notes to my future partner. I prayed for someone who would align with my spirit. Someone ready to build with me. Someone who was committed to growth, no matter how uncomfortable.
On the surface, I found everything I was looking for in Riz. We matched on Hinge early-July of 2019 and had our first date on July 19. Before our rendevous, I asked if he were looking for a penpal or if he genuinely wanted to meet me. I had a few failed dating experiences and couldn’t bare another game-player. I decided to get to the point quickly. We made dinner reservations at Bacaro, a chic candlelit restaurant in the Lower East Side. Upon first meeting, I was extremely nervous. There was a lot of build-up from talking over the phone, and I knew I already liked him a lot.
I was running late, so when I pulled up, he was standing on the corner of the restaurant. As I walked up to him, I felt a calm rush over my body. Then he grabbed me and lifted me off the ground. I know love, at first sight, seems a bit farfetched, but if I’m honest, that is what we both experienced. The diner was incredible. I began to relax when I saw he was just as nervous. After our meal, we walked through LES in search of ice-cream and espresso. We spent hours getting to know each other, and after he dropped me off, I let out a sigh of relief. I finally met the man of my dreams. That evening we both deleted our Hinge accounts.
The first few weeks were beautiful, but our honeymoon period quickly came to an end when Riz’s past began to unravel. At first, it was something trivial. But as the months went on, the issues became more difficult. I began to question my decision on whether to stay. Having a partner who is willing to do the work is critical for me, and Riz has been each time. Relationships take effort. Even if it is your soulmate (the one who is your person) it takes work. We had a rough road ahead of us, and here is why: if you do not heal, your past, your trauma, it will revisit you until you do.
For a while during my time of contemplation, I asked myself, how could I attract someone who needed so much healing after all the work I’d done on myself? (I lol-ed as I wrote that.) Yes, I dug through the depths of my soul and sorted through my issues, but I am not perfect. I still had much work to do. The truth is, I attracted Riz because he is my soulmate, and together, as a conscious couple, we are meant to do soul work. I read a quote that said, “If your childhood wasn’t safe, we might normalize Red Flag behavior in our adult relationships.” While we both lived through trauma as children, Riz hadn’t allowed himself to heal his old wounds. As his soulmate, it was my purpose to help him navigate through this.
The beautiful man that I call my twin flame has shown me parts of myself that needed healing, too. Through the uncomfortable conversations, vulnerability, healing trust issues, sitting with uncertainty, learning to communicate our needs, and upholding boundaries, we made it through our first year. It hasn’t been easy, but it has all been so fucking worth it! I’ve learned that sex won’t make someone commit. Physical attraction won’t make someone commit. Being perfect won’t make someone commit. The only thing that will make someone commit is their desire and readiness for commitment. As a couple, we are committed to our union, and as individuals, we are devoted to personal growth.
We share similar values, principles, and we make each other love ourselves more. I am grateful to have manifested someone who communicates his feelings and is healing his past traumas, as I am. What’s more, is I also make an effort to spoil him. I tell him he is handsome, that his efforts are appreciated, and I make him feel secure. If your man treats you like a goddess, treat him like a god.
Do you have any experiences you’d like to share? I’d also love to know what you think. Please feel free to leave a comment below.