Every word has consequences. Every silence, too.Jean-Paul Sartre
In the stillness, I found myself. I came home to me and met a profound level of consciousness obtained through my rebirth – a deep dive within the subconscious, into the darkness. My dharma is to dance with the dark – surrender to the pain and let it take me. I could hear Spirit ask me, “How free do you want to be?” I desired freedom from the prison of my emotional bondage. I did it. It was me that hurt me; it was me that abandoned me. I left myself for men, for alcohol, for material possessions.
I continuously lived in fear – fear of not being enough, of not having enough. I managed to escape the responsibility of loving myself, forever placing that duty on my partners and friends. Who was I, and how dare I disseminate love without first giving it to myself? It took the total annihilation of all that I believed for me to face the truths I buried. I thought self-love was something acquired through new clothes and spa visits. Was this not the way, did I not love me? I bought my love for years, convinced this was honoring myself.
Desperate to connect with my highest self and tap into a deeper knowing of what self-love truly meant, I ended my twenty-year relationship with alcohol. It was through lifting the veil that I understood Christina. I got to know myself, what I liked, what I disliked, and what I did because I was drunk. Whenever I was unsettled, instead of shaming myself for feeling, I poured love into the broken parts of me and became curious.
After four years free from alcohol, practicing unapologetic self-love, and being gentle to little Christina when she was sad, I revealed a new self. I developed Cultesh – a program of self-worship through shadow work, and it has saved my life. I sit before you, raw and naked. I sit before you, revealing the truths I buried. I did not love myself, but I learned how. I taught myself that I deserve devotion. It is my innate responsibility, as it is yours, to love and honor yourself through self-worship. With this knowledge, this medicine, I intend to heal those willing to walk through the shadows.
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